Death

Last night Mom, Sharaya and I saw Titanic at the cinema. The 3D imagery really was fantastic - during both the underwater scenes and the sinking scenes, it really felt like I was apart of it. It helped that the air conditioning was on full blast as well.

After they hit the iceberg I was overcome with the idea of death. I'm terrified of death. Not as much of dying. More so, I'm terrified of the end. I don't think I'm old enough to die yet. Still, I had this overwhelming fear that someone was going to pop into the room with a gun and randomly shoot us down. Or maybe we would get into a hideous car accident when we drove home. Honestly I've been having those thoughts a lot lately. Like every time I leave the house.

So I'm quite certain I would never have survived those crucial last hours on that ship. There's the luck that I'm a female and thus would have a higher chance of getting on the life boats, but lets be honest: I would not be holding a first class ticket. I'd have second at best. There is the fact that people tend to take pity on me when I travel alone and thus am extended beyond my fair share of common curtesy, but I can't help think that that sort of gesture sort of goes out the window when life is at stake. 

So I began to meditate on how I would die, had I been on the ship. I'm not brave enough to succumb to death. The look in Captain and Mr. Andrews's eyes was such resignation. And really, there was nothing they could do. Of course I feel terrible for Mr. Andrews who told everyone that the extra lifeboats were needed, and now he was suffering for his peers' stupidity. I can't imagine that. I could never make the conscious decision to drown. I don't think I could jump or shoot myself either. I know a bullet to the head would be quickest, but I don't know if I could pull the trigger myself. Theres some gigantic character flaw in me that gives me ridiculous, unwarranted hope that something will save me. The ship would miraculously stay afloat or a life boat would materialize out of thin air. I strongly believe living is always the better option. I just don't have what it takes to die.