Friday, October 28


Sometimes I have spells of panic attacks and nervous breakdowns. I've had them for years. When I was younger I would give in whole-heartedly. Collapse, cry. It felt like my world was ending over and over and there was nothing I could do to stop it. At the time I wasn't capable of communicating exactly what was happening to me - when a seven year old tells a doctor that she fears for the life of her family and those aorund her on a daily basis for no apparant reason it doesn't really go over well. Not here, anyway. So I gave the absolute basic information possible which was inevitably narrowed down to my having an unexplainably severe case of vertigo.
It was around that time that I realized breaking down everytime wasn't getting me anywhere especially with the vertigo label. I realized that if you fall apart too many times, people stop trying to put you back together. Eventually you become a casualty and recovery becomes ten times harder. So you bear it. Your knees lock together and your chest gets tight and you just keep walking. Your breathing becomes shallow and the room starts to spin and it's all you can do not to fall to the floor and give in, but you can't. If you fall, they'll walk over you. If you cry they'll drown you out. So you focus, deep breaths, and you soldier on. And you never stop.

Saturday, October 8


My desires out of life are beginning to change. I'm beginning to realize that it's not what I want to do with my life, but how I want my life to go that matters.

I hate talking about "My Life" as if it's some futuristic event that shall take place once I have all my affairs in order. I know that's not the case - that will never be the case - still, I can't help treat it as though it is. Because frankly, I still haven't become an adult. I suppose the magical moment in time when I Become An Adult is when My Life will officially begin. Or something.

Nevertheless, I'm realizing lately it's not the career or the family or location that I'm particular about. I'm beginning to take concern in how I'm treated and how I feel. I'm tired of being in environments where I'm constantly being demeaned and condescended. I know how smart I am and it gets extremely irritating having people gawk at me when I try to speak up. It's ridiculous. As a result, I've grown to loathe where I'm at. I find myself complaining on the regular and it's not fair. It's not fair to me or the people who constantly have to listen to it.

Furthermore, the work that I'm doing isn't extraordinary. It isn't even exceptional. It's been bothering me for a long time that I'm supporting a world I'm embarrassed by. There are a multitude of worthwhile things I could be doing with my time, and yet I'm not. And there are no excuses and I'm fully aware that it is I to blame for the predicament I'm in, but it's a lot easier to sit on the couch and watch a movie than confront my personal demons, you know?