Wednesday, April 25

In the Kitchen

I haven't been on recently because I've been spending all my time in the kitchen. Jokes may begin... NOW.

If you don't want me to cook, don't put a Betty Crocker cookbook in my eyesight.

Made an apple pie all unorthodox.

Based on this blog post I decided to make Alplermagronen, a popular Swiss macaroni and cheese-like dish.

And it was so unexpectedly delicious.

Sunday, April 22


Video by Marionhoney 

This is home / Now I'm finding where I belong
(where I belong) / Yeah, this is home
I've been searching for a place of my own
Now I've found it / Yeah this is home
- Home: Switchfoot

I almost cry when I watch this video. This girl was in London for a semester for a study abroad program. This is her final day in London. 
I so greatly miss that female voice on the Tube station. I really miss walking through Hyde Park and Pret A Manger sandwiches. I especially miss the Starbucks just off Kensington High Street. And the really nice barista across from Sloane Square station. And St. James Park. Walking around Notting Hill at night. The pretty cars. Apple flavored Shapers water from Boots. Galaxy bars mmmm.
I want to go home.

Saturday, April 21


Last night Mom, Sharaya and I saw Titanic at the cinema. The 3D imagery really was fantastic - during both the underwater scenes and the sinking scenes, it really felt like I was apart of it. It helped that the air conditioning was on full blast as well.
After they hit the iceberg I was overcome with the idea of death. I'm terrified of death. Not as much of dying. More so, I'm terrified of the end. I don't think I'm old enough to die yet. Still, I had this overwhelming fear that someone was going to pop into the room with a gun and randomly shoot us down. Or maybe we would get into a hideous car accident when we drove home. Honestly I've been having those thoughts a lot lately. Like every time I leave the house.
So I'm quite certain I would never have survived those crucial last hours on that ship. There's the luck that I'm a female and thus would have a higher chance of getting on the life boats, but lets be honest: I would not be holding a first class ticket. I'd have second at best. There is the fact that people tend to take pity on me when I travel alone and thus am extended beyond my fair share of common curtesy, but I can't help think that that sort of gesture sort of goes out the window when life is at stake. 
So I began to meditate on how I would die, had I been on the ship. I'm not brave enough to succumb to death. The look in Captain and Mr. Andrews's eyes was such resignation. And really, there was nothing they could do. Of course I feel terrible for Mr. Andrews who told everyone that the extra lifeboats were needed, and now he was suffering for his peers' stupidity. I can't imagine that. I could never make the conscious decision to drown. I don't think I could jump or shoot myself either. I know a bullet to the head would be quickest, but I don't know if I could pull the trigger myself. Theres some gigantic character flaw in me that gives me ridiculous, unwarranted hope that something will save me. The ship would miraculously stay afloat or a life boat would materialize out of thin air. I strongly believe living is always the better option. I just don't have what it takes to die.

Thursday, April 19

Universal Studios

Here - look at these or something.

Dr. Seuss World

     Marvel World     

 Cartoon World

Wednesday, April 18


Being "an adult" really sucks sometimes. My conscious won't leave me alone regarding the childish nature of my current goal. Still, I don't want to give it up.

I think I like traveling so much for escapism purposes. When I'm in another country I don't have to worry about what I'm doing with my life because what I'm currently doing is pretty awesome. When I'm at home my future is staring me in the face. It is so big and so loud I just don't know what to do with it.

Tuesday, April 17


I feel like all the books I've taken to reading recently are intentionally reminding me how stuck in the US I am. For the past two years I've cycled between earning money and going on trips. Now I'm not doing either. The book I'm currently reading was written while the American author was living in Paris for several months. I watched Midnight in Paris recently that revolved around an American tourist in Paris.
Now, I fully remember not finding Paris all that interesting. I'm not even really pining to return to Paris. I am yearning to return to France, though. I still vividly remember sitting on the balcony of my hotel room in Nice and watching the crowds go by. Well, at 4AM they weren't crowds as much as couples and small groups migrating from bars to their apartments and back. Between 2-3AM there was a man with a guitar just sitting on the sidewalk.
And the architecture. Oh, the architecture. When making my way from the Cannes train station to the beach I wound my way through the tiny streets. Cafes had packed tables outside, party attendees were overflowing onto the cobblestone. It was so idyllic even at 10PM during the city's busiest week of the year. And then, of course, there's the beach.

I so desperately want to live in a small village in Southern France or Northern Italy (or Tuscany). Occasionally a scene pops into my head: I'm wearing a sundress, riding a bicycle with a basket into the town square. I wave at the florist and buy my food from the weekly market. I live in a small cottage with my dog and write some of the best books of my generation. 

I don't understand 'writer's block' in a place like this.

Monday, April 16

Wizarding World of Harry Potter

I'm a fresh Potter fan. I only started watching the movies a few years ago and read the books just last year. Still, the thought of going to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter made me as excited as those lifetime fans. Plus, being in Orlando leaves loads and loads of advertisements crammed down your throat to visit every park within a fifty mile radius.

The thing is, this is Universal Studios. You have to walk through the entire park before reaching Hogsmeade. The day I went, there were droves of people and we were all headed for the exact same place. 

It is the weirdest experience to walk through a gateway to a magical land that you know. I knew exactly what sort of things I would find in Honeydukes and Zonkos. I knew that I could sit in Hogs Head when I got tired. I'd never been there before and yet I had. 

Hagrid's hut.

I again was faced with the decision to be brave. Roller coasters that have 360 degree turns and corkscrews and all that terrify me. The only one I've been on was in Paris and gave me a concussion. There is such a roller coaster in the Wizarding World. I agreed that if I went on it I would reward myself with Butterbeer. If I chickened out, the Butterbeer would be taken away. I get schizophrenic when I spend a long time alone.

Of course I didn't chicken out. My entire upper body went numb, though. 

"Whether you come back by page or by the big screen [or by the park], Hogwarts will always be there to welcome you home" - J.K Rowling

Sunday, April 15


In a book I just finished, Eating the Dinosaur by Chuck Klosterman, he mentioned that during the year he lived in Germany he realized how often Americans needlessly 'laugh'. The anecdote he used was a trip to the super market. He was paying for his items and the cashier asked if he had exact change. He searched his pockets, chuckled nervously, and said "No, sorry." The Germany cashier didn't chuckle in response. Didn't even smile.
       This anecdote was his segue into illustrating why laugh tracks have destroyed America's sense of humor. The laugh track has been employed in so many sitcoms, alerting us when a joke is being said and when we ought to laugh. Newer comedies like The Office, Arrested Development, Parks and Recreation and several others don't use laugh tracks. They make the audience subconsciously feel that we're intelligent enough to decide when something is funny and when it isn't.
      Since reading his essay I've noticed more and more when Americans laugh for no reason. Telling someone something slightly unfortunate, trying to lighten an awkward situation, sometimes simply to be polite. Klosterman pointed out that in Germany, those he met don't even pity laugh. They belly laugh when things are funny and don't even consider chuckling when they're not. It's made me evaluate my life and how often I pity giggle and end texts inappropriately with "hahahaha". I've actually consciously decided when not to laugh in certain situations. Of course that makes for some genuinely uncomfortable situations, but it almost makes me feel more sure. Instead of texting [or saying] "We should go see a movie?! hahaha" I text [ say] "We should go see a movie." All business on the table. No beating around the bush. The way it should be.

Saturday, April 14


Today Sharaya, Allie and I went to Downtown Seattle! We started off the day at the Children's Museum!

Allie had a lot of fun! But we were getting hungry so we took the monorail to the Cheesecake Factory.

We told Allie we were going to have cake, so she got SUPER excited and kept saying "CAKE-CAKE!!" Potentially she thought it was a cupcake. We may never know.

Allie was playing with the lid of her cup and started sticking her finger into the straw slot. Eventually she started freaking out until we realized it was stuck! Sharaya pulled it out and noticed a small cut. =[

I just love that in the first picture Allie has a sad face and Sharaya is calm. In this one it's the opposite. Adorable.

We ended the adventure riding the monorail back to the car, where she fell asleep seemingly instantly. 

Friday, April 13

Midnight in Paris.

This morning I finally convinced myself to watch Midnight in Paris - directed by Woody Allen, starring Owen Wilson, Rachel McAdams, Kathy Bates, Tom Hiddleson, Allison Pill, etc.

This was one of those movies that people don't stop gushing about, so naturally I avoided it at all costs. I'm actually really glad I waited until now to see it. It was really something I need to see right now, and had I seen it a month ago I really wouldn't have taken to it in the same way.
I get pretty skeptic with movies that casually suggest time travel - especially when the characters meddle in the past. The was my one main bugaboo: Gil, the main character, pitches a movie idea to a director he knows will make that movie in the future. That was the only caveat, thank goodness. He didn't become the protagonist for a Hemingway novel or anything.
It was just so beautifully done. I know I'm being vague here, so let me try to summarize: Gil is on vacation in Paris with his fiance and her 'Ugly American' parents. He's in love with Paris and they can't wait to leave. He spends his evenings wandering the city by his lonesome when he gets lost. An old car pulls up at exactly midnight and whisks him off to Paris in the 20s - where he meets the Fitzgeralds, Mr. Hemingway, Gertrude Stein, Salvador Dali, Picasso, and more.
It's a refreshing film because it really does highlight the best of Paris - making me feel guilty for spending so little time there, to be honest. Two hours did not properly suffice. Maybe because it mainly took place at night, it made Paris magical. Truly alluring.
Near the end of the film Gil verbalized a stark realization only moments after I had discovered it: the present, to any given person, is never The Golden Age. It wasn't in the 20s to the Picassos and it isn't to us in the 2010s because this is the present and the present is always dull because it isn't done yet. It was was the perfect ending because it wasn't perfect, but it was the best Gil could do. He was in sort of a glum situation and he did what he could to right it. Sometimes that's all that can be done.

Wednesday, April 11

Typical Chazz

Today I spent the day with Allison! 

For some reason whenever she is here I just can't stay in the house. Last week we walked to the park, and the week before that we went shopping. I think. Anyway I always manage to get us out of the house. Today we went to the mall to 'play in the water'. We also just had to stop in the Disney store and play with friends in the play area.

And then, after a long nap, she harassed her dolls to death.

What a fun day! 

Tuesday, April 10


1. What’s your zombie apocalypse survival plan?
- Climb a high tree or something. Or trick them into thinking I'm one of them. I'm not up on the zombie knowledge so I don't really know they're typical attack methods.
2. What was the first book or movie that changed your outlook on life?
- I don't care what you think, it was The Hunger Games. Well, or maybe Walk Two Moons. I read that when I was 9 and it was the first time I became aware that death is common and natural and it was possible for kids my age to feel emotions and understand certain circumstances beyond their expected capacity. 
3. Any music from your early teens you’re embarrassed you listened to now?
- T-Pain.
4. What is the biggest non-traumatic trouble you’ve gotten into?
- One night in October a friend of mine and I decided to super glue mustaches to our faces and drive to Portland for donuts overnight. That's the first time I've ever been grounded. 
5. Do you love my beard?
- Always.
6. Best/worst Halloween?
- Best: last Halloween? If I remember correctly we had a movie night at Sharaya and Ryan's.
- Worst: I was grounded so it was boring.
7. What, if anything, is worth dying for?
- Jesus. Loved ones. Values, morals, a belief system. 
8. What’s your dream job?
- I honestly want to do a lot of things. I feel like maybe I haven't dipped my toes in enough pools. I'd like to be a preschool teacher, act in a movie or two, be a legitimate author, pilot a plane, work at a magazine, get a PhD. I don't know if I will be able to settle into a single occupation. Ever.
9. Dream vacation location?
- Thailand, the Bahamas, the Seychelles, Mauritius, Madagascar, Nice, Monaco, the Cinque Terre in Italy. It would be a long vacation.
10. What tattoo do you think a drunk you would get that sober you would regret?
- Anything I've casually considered. A black ink Cheshire cat smile, a white ink Neverland, 'Fickle' in script, 'Every Journey Matters', 'Unleash Hell'...wait, no I think 'Unleash Hell' would be the biggest bummer, despite my love of Wonder Woman.

Monday, April 9


A trait I'm starting to notice lately is how competitive I am. Being as I've gone my whole life until now thinking I didn't have a competitive gene in my body, I'm realizing how strong it actually is.

Theres the thing in May that - literally, if I don't do it "this time" in May the opportunity will never come around again. This isn't even me being dramatic. This is me being logical. Even if the chance does come back around in five or ten years I will be too old. It's now or never in an entirely literal sense. And I am extremely competitive about it. I know I'm not the only one who wants it, but I know I'm the one who should get it. Now I just have to convince everyone else.

Trying to get my book published? For some reason that's brought out a competitive nature in me. A different kind, sort of. Everyone my age is writing a novel. It's a surprise it's an accomplishment to complete it. Or maybe it is an accomplishment because no one actually finishes theirs. Whatever. There are a few people I know (my sister excluded) who are writing novels and I wanted to be the first to finish. I have. Now I want to be the first to be published. That's in the works.

My competitive gene seems underdeveloped - probably because of all the faux paux that comes with being competitive with people with disabilities. So growing up, where most kids were taught to compete with one another (or maybe that comes normally) it was discouraged in our household. And it makes sense.

But now I want to be the first female president on the moon.

Sunday, April 8


It's a close call today, guys. Only 19 more minutes left on Easter Sunday, April 8th 2012.

From the ashes of my life has risen three brand new paths. Well, one of them isn't really 'brand new'. I've been 'working toward' it for a week now. But in essence, in the last week, there are three ultimate paths. Or maybe not. There are three potential paths. Or maybe four. But three important ones. One is the Adult Path, one in the Fun Path, and one is the Irrational Path. Naturally what I want most is the Irrational. So I guess the plan is, I'm just gonna lay all my cards on the table and see what happens. Alright. Here we go.

Saturday, April 7

Generation Narcissism

We're in a horrible, repugnant place now where kids are told it's their right and due to be hugely famous. Not good at their job, not good at anything, just hugely famous. This is not sane. 
- James McAvoy

I'm currently reading a book called The Cult of Celebrity by Cooper Lawrence. I'm often enthralled with the idea of celebrity and how the whole fame machine works. Specifically how it effects us 'simpletons'. I've read quite a few books on the subject (my favorite definitely being A Decade of Curious People and Dangerous Ideas by Chuck Klosterman) but this one seems to focus on an entirely specific topic: how my generation is fixated with stardom. It's not even that we want to be specifically actors or musicians or anything that merits any talent. Our main goal is fame. Now, I'm using 'we' and 'us' loosely. I know we aren't all interested in this field or topic but statistically my generation has the highest percentage of kids turning away from college and vocational school and turning toward vocal lessons and Los Angeles. 
           An interesting point made in this book is that the number of people planning a career in Stardom does not match up with the amount of emerging talent. There are people who will work their entire lives for something that will never happen because they don't have the skills to do it. But they feel like they deserve it. We were raised by a generation that was catered to like no generation before. As a result, an alarming number of Gen Y have a completely unwarranted belief that they deserve everything. There is literally a little snippet in the book directed to parents of Gen Yers, telling them that supporting a child's dream in stardom when the child possess no talent or drive is no longer being supportive. Not at our age.
 I find this terrifying. I'm still under the delusion that I will have a career in the arts. Not necessarily stardom, but in a field that is quite difficult to 'break into'. I worry that I'm one of these narcissistic, talentless children hiding behind a pipe dream as an excuse to stay in the safety and comfort of my parent's home. I feel incredibly childish, but the thought of attempting a career in a different field - being a pilot, or a lawyer or something else terrifies me because not only is that school debt, but it's a set of skills I don't currently have. Also it means I would be a grownup. And thats terrifying. 

Friday, April 6


I was dying for a photo shoot session. Yesterday Sharaya and Allie and I went out hunting for cherry blossoms yesterday. The below is what we found.


Thursday, April 5

I Can Do Anything!

I wonder if our offspring have all decided to give up. They’ll never be senators or owners of a football team; they’ll never be the West Coast president of NBC, the founder of Weight Watchers, the inventor of shopping carts, a prisoner of war, the number one supplier of the world’s macadamia nuts. No, they’ll do coke and smoke pot and take creative writing classes and laugh at us. Perhaps they’ll document our drive, but they’ll never endorse it. I look at both of these girls and see it in their eyes, their pity for us and yet their determination to beat us in their own way, a way they haven’t found yet. I never found a way to beat my rulers. 
- The Descendants

I frequently fear things like this. I worry that maybe there are too many things to be. I'd love to be a writer. I know this. I can feel it. But if you look at 60% of the rest of my generation, they all seem to think the same. It's like the arts are the place for the lost and desolate and we're pretty much all lost right now.
I've had a theory for awhile that my generation suffers from a Peter Pan complex. We don't want to grow up. So many people my age are staying in college longer, living with their parents longer, trying to attempt things that are otherwise 'impossible' - in other words, trying to forge their way into Stardom. 
I hate making sweeping judgements on a large group of people, but from what I've seen I'm not that far off. I suffer from this same problem. I'm entirely conscious of it, too. 
I'm not going to speak for the rest of my generation, so I personally feel like there's too much out there. I want to be all of the above and I know that's not entirely possible. I've really only focused on writing, moving to London, getting a PhD and thats it. I didn't even consider working for NBC. And here's another generational problem: I feel like I can do all of it. Why can't I? Someone else is going to - why can't that someone be me? 
Ugh I don't want to deal with all this. I'm going back to Tumblr to reblog The Office gifs and obscure quotes.

Wednesday, April 4


I've been enraptured lately with the individuality that throws itself in your face. I wish I had one of those faces or looks that would allow me to have a staple. People like Mike Tyson or Zoey Deschanel who wander around looking however they please and no one questions it. It's just like there is just a wide spread understanding that certain people get to do whatever they want because they DO it. I can talk about dying my hair all I want, but it doesn't matter until I actually do it.

I admire Adele so much for having this look. It's one of those things that if someone else even attempts a 60s debutante style everyone will immediately accuse her of trying to copy Adele. I view Bruno Mars this same way. 

I can't even rock bangs. Especially not Bardot bangs, which is something I've tried before - trust me. But bangs, nails, clothes aside, there is one look that I'm dying to rock. 

The red hair. I just can't get enough of it. I look at pictures of Zoey or Adele and think, "oh I'd love to rock that look" and then two seconds later I'm totally over it. I really want that red hair though. Sometimes I think, 'Maybe it's not about the red hair. Maybe I just want a staple of my own.' Nope. I just want that red hair.

Tuesday, April 3


To be frank, I'm taking the easy road here and will be using up a couple posts on my trip. The first installment shall be of the first installment: DisneyWorld.

I went to DisneyWorld under the pretense that I would be there for 24 solid hours. The night before I was still getting used to my creepy hotel room and thus only got about four hours sleep, on top of the three hours from the night before ON TOP OF the time difference. So that was great.

I've only been to DisneyWorld once in recollection, and it was six years ago so my memory is a little foggy. For some reason (monetary) I decided against getting a park hopper pass, so it was just me and the Magic Kingdom the whole day long. That was fine by me - I've grown up on Disneyland turf as it was, so Epcot and Animal Kingdom and MGM weren't of the utmost importance. And anyway, Magic Kingdom is just so magical on it's own.

I just love being in the Disney Bubble. It's the little things, really, like this hedge. Looks like a real bush, doesn't it? It's a tarp. (p.s. notice the lack of people?! In FANTASYLAND!?)

And then it's not always the little things. Like when I went on the People Mover, and classically we went through Space Mountain. Except, it was down (the fifth ride I experienced with at least one technically difficulty that day). Just for a few minutes, but long enough to need the lights on. I know this sort of thing irritates some people, but I find it fascinating. It's a glimpse behind the curtain, if you will.

In a shocking turn of events, I didn't find Space Mountain all that enjoyable. I loved Splash Mountain, though. I'm serious. Around 11AM a blatant pattern emerged: ride Splash Mountain, walk straight to Fantasyland for Mickey's Philharmagic, then head right for the People Mover. I "rode" each at least seven times. What's ridiculous is that I still managed to ride at least 70% of the rides there as well. 

The longest line I stood in was about 45 minutes, and that was for Splash Mountain at 4PM in the hot 94 degree weather. Someone several paces ahead of me actually collapsed of heat stroke, giving herself a nasty cut and concussion on the way down.

Honestly 24 hours at an amusement park is a lot longer than it may sound. At 1AM Disney performed their Electrical Parade for probably the seventh time that day. It was a blast, and it was a great sendoff. I don't know what it is about Disney parks and maybe even Disney in general. It just feels like home.