Monday, January 30


I think it's funny how scars are so important to people. Battle wounds, broken bones, 'that time I had to amputate my foot'. It's proof that we've been somewhere, done things, and in essence: matter.

I've recently found that I've been conditioned to believe that I have a worth. I have a sticker price and when that runs out, or I exceed it, I'm no longer necessary. It's been the pattern my whole life: I am worth something to someone for a reason. There was always a condition. I grew up believing that if I had nothing to offer in the way of possessions, ideas, or monetary donation I was of no use. This theory has proved steadfast my entire life.

I wish I was only talking about my friends. I wish I could say "except at church" or "except at home". Sadly this is not the case. I have lived 21 years under the belief that everything I have or want in life is to be earned - from the roof over my head to the names in my contacts.

Harder still, is the notion that those around me don't live under the same criteria. There's putting people before yourself, and then there's believing you're undeserving. Going through adolescence with extreme depression, I was told to deal with it. To smile and knock it off. When my sister was a bit sad for a couple weeks, she was rushed to the doctor's office. So it's easy to understand why, when filling up the tub for my Final Bath, I didn't think anyone would really care if I never reemerged.

And do you know what made me pull my head back up, gasping for breath? A vow. I vowed to become so successful and so wealthy, etc that they would regret ever making me feel that way. I didn't decide to become happy, healthy, or independent (I was already pretty independent anyhow). I didn't want to be alright. I wanted them to realize how important I actually was.

That's the thing that's been plaguing me recently. That despite what I've been raised to believe: I actually do matter. Dare I say, just as much as my sister. Maybe more. There's still a problem, though: becoming content despite the fact that no one else believes it too.

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