My Favorite (Holiday) Things

Red Starbucks cups, candy canes, radio stations dedicated to Christmas music, seeing your breath in the dark, cinnamon cloves burning on the stove, the smell of the Christmas tree, houses that go overboard with lights, putting up fairy lights in my room, being secretive, oversized sweaters, Christmas classics on prime time television, bundling up in scarves and hats, little girls in berets, rush hour in the dark when all the cars have their lights on, wreaths for car grills, Santa meet n greets in the mall, boots, the silence just after a fresh snowfall, black dogs playing in snow fields, losing white dogs in them, the frango set up outside of Macy's, unwrapping old nostalgic ornaments, adult snow days, apple cider, pie bake-offs, happy hearts, cinnamon buns for breakfast, eggnog, the sudden ideal that sweets can and should be consumed at all times, santa claus figurines, dark makeup, Terry's chocolate oranges, bananas in the stocking, when your nose turns red after being out in the cold, changing out of wet clothes, wrapping gifts, enough mashed potatoes to swim in, excitement, the Christmas specials, AND ON IT GOES.

The Great Dictator Speech

Let us fight for a new world, a decent world that will give men a chance to work; that will give youth the future and old age a security.

Occupy Wall Street: this is not what you’re doing. You’re disillusioned. Citizens of Yemen: this will not be the result of your actions. What are we doing? None of this makes sense anymore. We’re not fighting the right people. We’re not progressing. We’ve devolved into selfish, fickle beings with a knack for self destruction.

B.E.D.D.

I have decided that the five current projects I have in my life are not enough, so to top it all off this month I’m doing BEDD: Blog Every Day December. Yes, I did make it up. In classic Diana fashion, we start late. Let’s begin:

                I’m having a hard time understanding why people don’t travel more. I mean there’s this whole huge Earth and every place is extraordinarily different from the last. There are different languages and cultures and climates and people. Even in the same country there are a multitude of differences from one border to the other. I don’t understand how someone can look at all of that, how they can know all of that and still be okay with staying put.

                I just figure if I’m going to have all this time to flop around with, why not climb the bridge in Sydney harbor? Sleep with the sharks at the underwater hotel in Dubai, visit a tropical zoo in the tropics, see the Great Barrier Reef through a glass-bottom boat, get serenaded by a boys’ choir in Westminster Abbey, ride a donkey down the Grand Canyon, safari for mountain gorillas in Uganda, wash an elephant in Chiang Mai, ride a camel through the Sahara desert.

I’m just saying in China they eat dog and in Australia they’re pushing kangaroo meat and if you’re into that sort of thing why not give it a try? In France everyone dresses to the nines and in the tropics no one seems to own shoes. There are places where you can see the ocean floor when you’re in ten feet of water. How is that not intriguing? In London, where no one will meet eyes on the Tube and Tennessee where strangers can’t stop greeting one another. The Rocky Mountains look nothing like the Himalayas and both deserve a decent look.

                You’re going to tell me you’re busy, aren’t you? Finals are tomorrow, or something. Well I don’t buy it. I’m not going to tell you going to a foreign land isn’t terrifying – because it is – but it’s worth it. So I guess I just don’t understand how you can know all of that is out there and still settle for your front porch.

Motherhood

Whilst I'm not a mother, and shan't be for quite some time, lately I feel like I'm a surrogate mother to quite a few kids. A day rarely goes by these days when I'm not being barfed on, changing poopy diapers, bottle feeding, organizing nap times, potty training etc.

So, if there's another immaculate conception this century and it happens to be me, I feel prepared.

Enjoy these gems in the meantime. (They were not my idea. She's the instigator.)

beach.

Fiddled around yesterday and this is what came of it:

song = Jeremy Larson's 'Remission'

Panic

Sometimes I have spells of panic attacks and nervous breakdowns. I've had them for years. When I was younger I would give in whole-heartedly. Collapse, cry. It felt like my world was ending over and over and there was nothing I could do to stop it. At the time I wasn't capable of communicating exactly what was happening to me - when a seven year old tells a doctor that she fears for the life of her family and those aorund her on a daily basis for no apparant reason it doesn't really go over well. Not here, anyway. So I gave the absolute basic information possible which was inevitably narrowed down to my having an unexplainably severe case of vertigo.

It was around that time that I realized breaking down everytime wasn't getting me anywhere especially with the vertigo label. I realized that if you fall apart too many times, people stop trying to put you back together. Eventually you become a casualty and recovery becomes ten times harder. So you bear it. Your knees lock together and your chest gets tight and you just keep walking. Your breathing becomes shallow and the room starts to spin and it's all you can do not to fall to the floor and give in, but you can't. If you fall, they'll walk over you. If you cry they'll drown you out. So you focus, deep breaths, and you soldier on. And you never stop.

Worthless.

My desires out of life are beginning to change. I'm beginning to realize that it's not what I want to do with my life, but how I want my life to go that matters.

I hate talking about "My Life" as if it's some futuristic event that shall take place once I have all my affairs in order. I know that's not the case - that will never be the case - still, I can't help treat it as though it is. Because frankly, I still haven't become an adult. I suppose the magical moment in time when I Become An Adult is when My Life will officially begin. Or something.

Nevertheless, I'm realizing lately it's not the career or the family or location that I'm particular about. I'm beginning to take concern in how I'm treated and how I feel. I'm tired of being in environments where I'm constantly being demeaned and condescended. I know how smart I am and it gets extremely irritating having people gawk at me when I try to speak up. It's ridiculous. As a result, I've grown to loathe where I'm at. I find myself complaining on the regular and it's not fair. It's not fair to me or the people who constantly have to listen to it.

Furthermore, the work that I'm doing isn't extraordinary. It isn't even exceptional. It's been bothering me for a long time that I'm supporting a world I'm embarrassed by. There are a multitude of worthwhile things I could be doing with my time, and yet I'm not. And there are no excuses and I'm fully aware that it is I to blame for the predicament I'm in, but it's a lot easier to sit on the couch and watch a movie than confront my personal demons, you know?