Friday, October 28


Sometimes I have spells of panic attacks and nervous breakdowns. I've had them for years. When I was younger I would give in whole-heartedly. Collapse, cry. It felt like my world was ending over and over and there was nothing I could do to stop it. At the time I wasn't capable of communicating exactly what was happening to me - when a seven year old tells a doctor that she fears for the life of her family and those aorund her on a daily basis for no apparant reason it doesn't really go over well. Not here, anyway. So I gave the absolute basic information possible which was inevitably narrowed down to my having an unexplainably severe case of vertigo.
It was around that time that I realized breaking down everytime wasn't getting me anywhere especially with the vertigo label. I realized that if you fall apart too many times, people stop trying to put you back together. Eventually you become a casualty and recovery becomes ten times harder. So you bear it. Your knees lock together and your chest gets tight and you just keep walking. Your breathing becomes shallow and the room starts to spin and it's all you can do not to fall to the floor and give in, but you can't. If you fall, they'll walk over you. If you cry they'll drown you out. So you focus, deep breaths, and you soldier on. And you never stop.

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