Meaning

I think it's funny how scars are so important to people. Battle wounds, broken bones, 'that time I had to amputate my foot'. It's proof that we've been somewhere, done things, and in essence: matter.

I've recently found that I've been conditioned to believe that I have a worth. I have a sticker price and when that runs out, or I exceed it, I'm no longer necessary. It's been the pattern my whole life: I am worth something to someone for a reason. There was always a condition. I grew up believing that if I had nothing to offer in the way of possessions, ideas, or monetary donation I was of no use. This theory has proved steadfast my entire life.

I wish I was only talking about my friends. I wish I could say "except at church" or "except at home". Sadly this is not the case. I have lived 21 years under the belief that everything I have or want in life is to be earned - from the roof over my head to the names in my contacts.

Harder still, is the notion that those around me don't live under the same criteria. There's putting people before yourself, and then there's believing you're undeserving. Going through adolescence with extreme depression, I was told to deal with it. To smile and knock it off. When my sister was a bit sad for a couple weeks, she was rushed to the doctor's office. So it's easy to understand why, when filling up the tub for my Final Bath, I didn't think anyone would really care if I never reemerged.

And do you know what made me pull my head back up, gasping for breath? A vow. I vowed to become so successful and so wealthy, etc that they would regret ever making me feel that way. I didn't decide to become happy, healthy, or independent (I was already pretty independent anyhow). I didn't want to be alright. I wanted them to realize how important I actually was.

That's the thing that's been plaguing me recently. That despite what I've been raised to believe: I actually do matter. Dare I say, just as much as my sister. Maybe more. There's still a problem, though: becoming content despite the fact that no one else believes it too.

Inconsequential Post of the Day

I love when it snows. Actual snow on the ground is cool, but the act of snowing just makes my heart so happy. That happiness is intensified as I get to sit next to a giant window-door and watch the pavement slowly disappear.

Snow just seems to simplify things. The majority of people share the same concerns, topics of conversation seem to flow naturally toward the weather, and there's a comradery when it comes to everyone getting home safely. I don't think anything else in the world produces the reaction from most people that snow does.

It's a 'new beginning', a day of freedom, a sense of hope (whether that be 'I hope I get home', or 'I hope it snows buckets').

I just hope it never stops snowing.

Paper Man

This blog isn't going to become a slew of movie reviews. I can add some book ones too =]

Today I watched Paper Man. Jeff Daniels is the main character, with Emma Stone, Ryan Reynolds, and Lisa Krudow. It was released in 2009 but it's Indie I guess so it never got loads of mainstream recognition.

When the movie ended, I was left feeling the way I hope anything I produce makes people feel. It was familiar, and it was devastating.

Mission Impossible and Transformers are great movies, but conversely they aren't spectacular. There is rarely an internal struggle to be found aside from 'I'm in lust with her but she's working for the enemy'. This is not one of those movies. The characters are broken and that's what the movie is about. There are few plot points. I don't think I could list more than five if I really thought about it. And I wouldn't be surprised if some people found it confusing. Certain characters were personified even though they probably shouldn't have been. But then maybe they should have. I don't make the decisions.

I think honestly the only reason it really impacted me so much is because of how familiar the main character is. His soul is restless. It seemed at points the whole world moves too fast for him. It's like you just get folded into the creases of society and everyone expects you to keep up. And you're screaming that you're drowning and why can't they save you or throw you a life jacket but no one listens. They can't hear you no matter how loud you scream, so you stop. You let the water wash over you and you watch them race by. And when they finally pay you mind it's too late and you're in trouble because you just couldn't follow suit, could you? You couldn't just get a real job and act like a normal functioning member of society. You had to mess it all up.

Maybe that's the point, though. Everyone is screaming and no one is listening. People die and do mean things to each other and we're never the same again. And that's life.

It's just that lately I'm realizing how all the really messed up junk I had to endure during my adolescence has shaped the person I currently am. Coming to terms with that hasn't been an easy road. So maybe I loved it so much because I  just really related to Emma's character Abby.

"My parents thought... I don't know... I never told them, I never told anyone. It was a pact. Amy and me were both supposed to go... in the water. She did it, but I swam back. I swam back... I couldn't... I don't know what we were so unhappy about. We were eight. Eight... I guess you're too young to know you can get over anything." - Abby, Paper Man

The September Issue

One of my other goals for 2012 is to watch more new movies. 200, to be exact. I'm sure that sounds ridiculous and almost shallow, but I've gotten into a bit of a rom-com / superhero movie rut and I'm desperate to get out. Also, somehow movies have wound themselves into 'culture' and I'd like to be more culturally diverse.

This all the be said, I'm watching The September Issue. It's been on my list for a long time now, and I've finally buckled down.

I've often heard said that we're all under the delusion that what we're doing with our lives is of any significance at all. When I watch The September Issue, I can't see a more self involved industry. This is hard for me because I love fashion. I only just finished painting my nails a nice emerald green, and I'm in love with my cape and boots I got last week. I love coordinating outfits and I love the way a dress or pair of shoes can transform the way you feel about yourself and the world around you. Dressing up is a magical experience.

But it's not important. The time and concentration with which these people wrap their lives around clothes is a bit preposterous. I'm not going to pull the 'there are dying children in Africa' card because frankly we don't even need to go that far. Just...let's get some perspective. No one remembers what was in the 2010 September issue. No one remembers the 2011 issue at that. It's an industry bent on constant changes, and there seems to be a common belief that without them, the world wouldn't remember to put clothes on.

It's just like, go outside, you know? Get out of your New York-Paris-London-Rome bubble and go learn something. Make a substantial difference somewhere.

I just don't get the fashion industry anymore.

Tradition

1. What did you do in 2011 that you'd never done before?
- travelled to a country of whom's official language I do not speak, saw an international film festival, went to an out-of-country Disney theme park, flew to Disneyland and back in a single day, went on a road trip with more than five people, put more than one unnatural color in my hair, invaded a film set, got hit on more than thrice in a single day, worked more than sixty five hours in a single week, held a job with a relative, stayed in a hotel with shared bathrooms, tried an omelette, vodka, and tequila, flew first class, wrote a novel, got on the BBC, gone on a roller coaster with a 360 degree turn, tried gelato, ate chocolate cake for dinner.
2. Did you keep your New Years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
- I didn't make any last year. This year I want to run 365 miles, and read 52 books.
3. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?
- A published book. Maybe a tattoo and a date wouldn't hurt either.
4. What date from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
- May 22nd: the day I did nothing.
- May 23rd: the day I met one of my closest friends in the flesh. & landed on the BBC. & walked onto a film set.
- Dec 13th: the day I defied societal standards and went to Disneyland for the day.
5. Compared to this time last year, are you:
happier or sadder?
- I always get sad around this time of year so I don't think this would be a fair judgement.
richer or poorer?
- richer
6. What was your favorite TV program?
- new girl, how I met your mother, big bang theory, the office, parks and rec.
7. What was your greatest musical discovery?
- mumford and sons, harry & alfie, florence and the machine. I feel like there’s more…
8. What was your favorite film(s) of this year?
- harry potter & the deathly hallows pt 2, thor and wild target. wild target didn’t come out this year but I saw it this year and fell in love.
9. What books did you read in 2011 that you'd never read before?
- peter pan, alice in wonderland, chronicles of narnia: the magicians nephew, con: the horse and his boy, con: voyage of the dawn treader, hp: philosophers stone, chamber of secrets, prisoner of azkaban, goblet of fire, order of the phoenix, half blood prince, deathly hallows, bossypants, 1984, the beautiful and damned, my booky wook 2, a christmas carol. I think that's all. I can't remember anything before June.
10. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?
- grandmother meets twelve year old boy.
11. Who was the best new person you befriended?
- brooke which is adorable considering we’ve been working together for almost three years.