Time

I've been faced recently with my own mortality. I'm not afraid of wrinkles and liver spots, I'm just incredibly nervous about the whole thing. 

Up until this year I was pretty certain I would die during this, my twenty first, year. The option is still highly plausible, but it's different to fear something in the future than to fear the immediacy of life. So it has been replaced with the simple expectation of middle age and up. I have always loved the idea of being one of those Grandmas that dresses up all the time and only eats Werther's Originals. The idea of my organs giving out on me and obtaining that 'old person' smell, and loss of vision and hearing and all of that is bone chilling. 

You think, maybe, that I should take up a rigorous diet and exercise regiment that should carry me through into my golden years, but I won't. Slow death in that regard is inevitable and a part of me pities those that think they can impede it. 

I was showing Allison pictures of my parents when they were her age, and she was blown away that Nana and Papa were once as little as her gang of friends. It dawned on me that one day she will be a Nana to some adorable girl or boy and I will be incredibly old. And will I have children or a successful career? Will I look back on my twenties as a time of sowing or a time of careless lollygagging? 

And if I do indeed die this year, what will become of my memory?

Ch-ch-ch-changes

    I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again. 

- The Curious Case of Benjamin Button   

            I've been contemplating the idea of faking one's own death. Not meaning I want to fake my own, but the overall idea is quite intriguing if you think about it. (It's actually the topic of a book I've considered writing for awhile now.)
            Lets think about it: you get out of all the crappy parts of your life without the burned bridges and bad feelings. Granted, everyone you're associated with will no longer be in your life anymore, but hey, you'll finally get to see who comes to your funeral.

       For a person with my personality - one who hates being disliked or hated no matter what the personal consequences - it's the ideal situation when it comes to trying to leave a job. When I really despised one of my jobs, I formulated an entire situation in which I would fall down the stairs whilst "on my way". I had the entire episode panned out. I honestly believe the only reason I didn't go through with it was because my Mom works there also, so that would provide for some awkward conversations for her come Monday. 

      Above all, I just really like the idea of starting over. I would like to wipe the slate clean and begin again. Unfortunately, our world basically forbids such things. You can't quit your job and hope to get a new one without putting the former on your resume. You can't erase your bills and get away scotch free. You can't really start over, can you? Your baggage and your history will follow you everywhere. I guess the best we can hope for is that we learn to grow from it. We stop learning to define ourselves by what happened to us and instead by what we did about it. Only then can we really change our situation.