Motherhood

Whilst I'm not a mother, and shan't be for quite some time, lately I feel like I'm a surrogate mother to quite a few kids. A day rarely goes by these days when I'm not being barfed on, changing poopy diapers, bottle feeding, organizing nap times, potty training etc.

So, if there's another immaculate conception this century and it happens to be me, I feel prepared.

Enjoy these gems in the meantime. (They were not my idea. She's the instigator.)

beach.

Fiddled around yesterday and this is what came of it:

song = Jeremy Larson's 'Remission'

Panic

Sometimes I have spells of panic attacks and nervous breakdowns. I've had them for years. When I was younger I would give in whole-heartedly. Collapse, cry. It felt like my world was ending over and over and there was nothing I could do to stop it. At the time I wasn't capable of communicating exactly what was happening to me - when a seven year old tells a doctor that she fears for the life of her family and those aorund her on a daily basis for no apparant reason it doesn't really go over well. Not here, anyway. So I gave the absolute basic information possible which was inevitably narrowed down to my having an unexplainably severe case of vertigo.

It was around that time that I realized breaking down everytime wasn't getting me anywhere especially with the vertigo label. I realized that if you fall apart too many times, people stop trying to put you back together. Eventually you become a casualty and recovery becomes ten times harder. So you bear it. Your knees lock together and your chest gets tight and you just keep walking. Your breathing becomes shallow and the room starts to spin and it's all you can do not to fall to the floor and give in, but you can't. If you fall, they'll walk over you. If you cry they'll drown you out. So you focus, deep breaths, and you soldier on. And you never stop.

Worthless.

My desires out of life are beginning to change. I'm beginning to realize that it's not what I want to do with my life, but how I want my life to go that matters.

I hate talking about "My Life" as if it's some futuristic event that shall take place once I have all my affairs in order. I know that's not the case - that will never be the case - still, I can't help treat it as though it is. Because frankly, I still haven't become an adult. I suppose the magical moment in time when I Become An Adult is when My Life will officially begin. Or something.

Nevertheless, I'm realizing lately it's not the career or the family or location that I'm particular about. I'm beginning to take concern in how I'm treated and how I feel. I'm tired of being in environments where I'm constantly being demeaned and condescended. I know how smart I am and it gets extremely irritating having people gawk at me when I try to speak up. It's ridiculous. As a result, I've grown to loathe where I'm at. I find myself complaining on the regular and it's not fair. It's not fair to me or the people who constantly have to listen to it.

Furthermore, the work that I'm doing isn't extraordinary. It isn't even exceptional. It's been bothering me for a long time that I'm supporting a world I'm embarrassed by. There are a multitude of worthwhile things I could be doing with my time, and yet I'm not. And there are no excuses and I'm fully aware that it is I to blame for the predicament I'm in, but it's a lot easier to sit on the couch and watch a movie than confront my personal demons, you know?

Family Vacations

It has now been proven that I am exponentially better as a solo traveller. I save more money, I spend more time at the destinations than in the hotel rooms, and most of all: there is no one around to drive me insane. The last time I was around my family for this long was seven years ago. We've all changed  lot over the course of seven years. We even have some new additions of whom I've never been stuck with for this long. What shall we call it...a learning experience? Yes, that sounds quite happy enough.

Now, thats not to say I don't enjoy family vacations. I was very happy to get to see my cousins again and meet some of their children for the first time. In fact, I'd be ready to do it again. Some of my relatives that we visited this time, we were told (as we always are) to never expect to see them again. This is always the case when Grandpa comes up to visit, but this time I was hearing it about Grandmother, too. She's a mere 80 but the words that would fall out of her mouth left some of us a bit frightened. I can't imagine the day I tell my children and grandchildren "This is definitely the end" as we stuff into the largest booth at Chilis.

I think what I enjoy most about solo travel is how untainted it is. I went to Disneyland Paris by myself and have a completely biased opinion of it, but it's my opinion. It isn't tainted by others' who have already been there before. Everything I see, I'm seeing for the first time. When I saw the Sydney Opera house I was judging it soley on my own terms. I didn't have people putting their thoughts into my head next to me. (Then again, maybe thats why I didn't like Sydney and Paris).

Still, being with the same group of people 24/7 for the past two weeks, I've started planning the rest of my 2011 trips. The travel bug has bitten me again hard this time even though we've just been in the states. I'm thinking Central / Northern South America for Thanksgiving, and Europe for my birthday / New Years? Ohh yeah.

Busybee / last BEDA

For reasons beyond my understanding, my outlook on my current situation has changed. Maybe it was the glimpse at the fall schedule my boss allowed me yesterday, or my finishing Bossypants last night, or possibly the call from my other boss this morning, nevertheless I'm actually really inspired by my CRAMMED PACKED schedule.

I had an actual sit down think-out about my life when I realized how much I love being busy. I love being pressed for time and having a full agenda. Naturally I feel a day has been more successful if it has been jammed packed than if I've only done a few things.

I can't actually remember what it's like to not have something to do every single day. I don't entirely remember what it's like to be bored and really can't recall the last time I went the entire day in pajamas and didn't spend the time vomiting into a metal pan.

All this to be said, I'm actually getting a bit excited about my 50-60 hour work weeks that await me after our trip. Life moves faster that way, and as they say: no free time means no time to spend all the money I'm making. So to Life I say: Bring it on.

Time

Such a simple word. Such a simple concept, and yet it is something that seems to be rapidly slipping from my grip. I have a laundry list of things that need to be done (including laundry, ironically), but I seem to have so little time in which to do them. Working seven days a week really takes it's toll, and getting a social life in there means kissing goodbye to any order and control in my life. Things are piling up what with our trip around the corner, so everything that was on the back burner of life is now pushing itself to the forefront of my mind and I'm beginning to go mad.

Being as I also find myself carless, my agenda is literally not my own which makes trying to sort it all out even more complicated. I have to coordinate getting rides to and from places, borrowing other peoples' cars, staying home a whole lot more. I have to depend on people and that's not something I am accustomed to nor do I really want to grow accustomed to it. I'm used to helping people out. I'm good at being dependable. I am not good at being a burden. I can't stand it. I don't like feeling indebted to someone.

My original plan upon returning from the trip was to start saving for Australia and just forget about buying a new car. I'm not considering pushing the move out a month and buying a "decent" car (I can get one for about a month's wages.) Ugh I just cannot live like this anymore.